How to Discipline your Child Effectively

I came across this article and thought it was useful tips for parenting. 

As a parent, I realize countless mistakes made in raising up my children. However, My God is faithful and merciful, I am confident that He will continue work in my children's lives until they attain maturity in Christ. 

Enjoy reading it.

Proverbs 22:6 Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.

How to Discipline your Child Effectively

 

Discipline! Yes or No?

Being a parent, you probably have received thousands of advice from relatives and friends about various ways of disciplining your child. It can be very confusing when these advices are sometimes contradicting with each other. However, deep inside your heart, you know that disciplining a child is one of the most important, yet very difficult, roles of being a parent.

In our desperation of correcting the misbehaviors of a child, we often forget one of the important and impactful objectives of disciplining a child is to teach him or her to be self-disciplined later in life. Effective and positive discipline helps your child grow up to be happy and adjusted well in the environment. It also provides proper guidance for the children that will make them feel safe, secure, and valued.

There are some basic principles in effective child discipline. These principles remain fairly much the same over years. Julia and I learned these principles in one of the child psychology and parenting course when our son Aloysius was just a few months old. That was more than 20 years ago. However, while reading recent researches and studies on child discipline, I noticed that these principles do not change over time. I strongly suggest that parents should arm with these principles and work out the implementation in your own family.

1)   Discipline has to be tailored according to your child’s uniqueness.

Effective discipline has to take into consideration various important factors like a child's age, development and temperament. As parents, we have to understand our goals of disciplining our children are as follows:

• Protect from danger
• Assist them acquire the skills of learn self-control and self-discipline
• Develop a sense of responsibility

2)   Discipline has to instill respect and trust for the parents.

It is going to be the worse nightmare if your child does not respect, but rebel against your parental authority. Usually, this phenomenon does not occur at the first instance of disciplining your child. It is developed over a period of time when your children are disciplined harshly or unfairly. This is especially so when you, in anger and desperation, have been shouting to them or using humiliating words to hurt their feelings. These repeated incidences have created negative impressions that make it difficult if not impossible for your children to respect and trust their parent.

3)   Discipline has to be consistent

Children at all ages, especially when they are less than 10 years old, do not react well when parents discipline them according to their fluctuating emotions and inconsistent standards. In the adult world, we may understand the importance of being flexible in carrying out a task. However, when you discipline your children without consistent standard, it creates great confusions in these children. They do not know what to expect when they do certain things. For example, you told your child that he cannot throw tantrum. One day when you had an argument with your spouse and were in a terrible mood, your child screamed and cried, you disciplined your child harshly. Few days later, when you happily received a big year end bonus from your boss, your child did the same screaming and crying, you just carried him up and offered him a candy without correcting him at all. You can imagine the confusion that went through the young mind.  The inconsistency will also make the children hard to respect the parents. The worse scenario is that the inconsistency in discipline encourages, albeit indirectly, misbehaving and result in frustration for the children.

4)   Discipline must be fair.

Parents have to ensure that your disciplinary action fits the seriousness of the “crime”. In other words, you do not punish too severely or too lax. The children know exactly the consequences of their actions which are directly related to their behavior. This is just an off shoot of being consistent. One of the ways of exercising discipline and discourage bad behavior is to allow your child to make decisions. If you only impose rules and laws in the house without encouraging the child to take initiative in making decisions, the child can be so bound by legalistic environment that his initiative and creativity will be tampered. Make sure that the rules are meant to protect the safety, health and well-being of your child. Within the limits, there should be enough rooms for your child to explore and make right or wrong decisions. Never discipline a child on a mistake made before he or she knew that it was wrong in the first place.

I know this part of discipline can be quite a challenge, so I intend to share with you a step-by-step method and hopefully you can learn the skill.

• Set clear expectations - All child psychologists concur on this one principle: setting clear expectations regarding what's acceptable behavior and what isn't. This is a key to success in teaching your child right from wrong. If your standards are muddled or the child learns that in one situation the rules hold true yet in another situation the same rule does not, it makes for confusion and frustration on both sides.
• Learn to communicate effectively with your child according to his level of comprehension. Don’t expect an adult understanding when your child is only 3 years old.
• Sit down with your child well in advance and line out the expectations and consequences of misbehaving or a misdeed.
• Make it clear that in no uncertain terms that whether there is any room for negotiation at the time of the infraction. Should such a behavior occur you intend to be firm in your discipline.
• Enforce strictly on rules regarding your child's safety, health or well-being. There is no room for negotiation in such cases. For example, your child should not play with fire or sharp objects anywhere in the house.
• Discuss openly and honestly on other rules which do not cause harm and danger to your child and the family. The consequences and negotiation limits should be forged and agreed upon by both parents and child.
• Make a contract that is fun and visible between parent and child. Lay the rules out in black and white, in language your child can clearly understand. For younger children, you might want to adopt the positive reinforcement principle into the contract. You may want to develop a good behavior chart where a favorite or special activity may be rewarded for each week that goes by without any infractions being noted. Sometimes the reward needs not be in material or monetary terms, you may want to offer a special time with mom and/or dad. This may be the best currency note they would most treasure.
• Impart understanding to the children that disciplining them is your way of teaching them what's acceptable behavior and what isn't. Initially, it may be painstaking to fight those rules and regulations with your children, but they will slowly appreciate that such parameters are meant for their well-being. The long term effect is to raise a child into a mature person capable of making wise decisions. Isn’t this a dream of every parent?

Praise Your Child

While we know the benefits of child discipline in bringing up a person with noble character, we also would like to encourage positive behavior by spending quality time alone with your child each day. Always give your child hugs, cuddles or a gentle pat on the back. Remember to give praises generously to your child when they deserve these praises. Your relationship with your child should not be only rules and regulations, but you will shower much love, care and comfort upon them. Let’s be right from the start, you discipline the children because you love them.

Walk Your Talk

Just before I go, I cannot emphasize less the importance of “walk your talk”. The most effective way of teaching your child good behavior is that you set a good example yourself. When your child sees you behaving responsibly and appropriately, they will imitate you.