Book Review on "The 5 Languages of Love"

Book Review on "The 5 Languages of Love" by Dr. Gary Chapman

In June 2011, Julia and I were in Harbin China giving some basic teaching on marriage relationships and communication skills, albeit it was mainly within Christian and church context. We were quite surprised to know that the marital problems in China are no less severe as compared to the West. Many unhappy marriages are not reported and highlighted in the country. Culturally, marriage problems are viewed as shameful and dishonoring to the family’s name. They don’t talk about it, much less would it become part of country’s statistics.    

Not long after we came back home, we felt that we needed to upgrade our family knowledge and marriage counseling skills, so we attended a marriage seminar organized by “Focus in the Family”. It was in that seminar that Julia bought “The 5 Love Languages” written by Dr. Gary Chapman. It costs us Thirty Seven Ringgit and Ninety Sen (Malaysian currency).

I gathered that Dr. Gary Chapman’s book has the main intention to help couples identify, understand, and speak their spouse’s primary love language. By learning the five love languages, you and your spouse will discover each other’s unique love languages and learn some practical steps in truly loving each other. 

The Book goes in great depth on the 5 different Love Languages:

• Words of Affirmation (You are beautiful. Your dinner is so delicious.)
• Quality Time (Spend time talking to me instead of watching a movie)
• Receiving Gifts (Buy me flowers, jewelries, chocolates, kitchen utensils)
• Acts of Service (Wash my car. Bring rubbish outside after dinner.)
• Physical Touch (Holding hands, massages)

Dr. Gary Chapman explains that your love language is the way that one knows that he or she is loved. For example while I might be thankful that my wife is buying me a nice birthday present (Receiving Gifts), I'd much prefer her to tidy up the house and avoid all the clutters in the rooms (Acts of Service). Of course, every couple is unique and your love language may be different.

When I read through the book, I quickly tried to figure out the primary love languages to my family members. Well, at least I thought that was the first thing I should be doing. Very methodically, I had the following categories:

• Julia, my wife - Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch
• Aloysius, my son - Words of Affirmation and Receiving Gifts
• Wynne, my daughter - Receiving Gifts and Quality Time
• Myself -  Acts of Service

One of the most interesting parts of this book is Dr. Chapman’s writing style. It is very easy reading, filled with solid and real examples of his clients. He describes each love language in great details, giving us the signs and how they are manifest in real life examples. The stories can draw out reader’s much emotions. You will have no difficulty identifying with some situations written in the book. 

I am a typical man who finds it hard to verbalize “love”. I was deeply rooted in the culture that I was brought up; a man loves his wife by taking care of her financial and physical needs and doing many things for her. Sad to say, my love language does not match Julia’s very well. What she desires most is to have a husband who can say complementary words and praises, and at the same time show appropriate intimacy in physical touch. Well, over 20 over long years, we are adjusting to each other’s needs and accepting each other’s weaknesses too.

I would recommend “The 5 Love Languages” should be read by all courting couples before they decide to marry each other. It helps you to know your boy friend or girl friend better, and it also give you some indicative signs whether both of you are compatible and whether you are able to work through those differences together.

Married couples should also read this book. We may be married for decades but we may not know what our spouse’ primary love language is. We may be working hard to “love” but your spouse just couldn’t feel your “love” at all. How tragic it is if a marriage is heading towards a divorce simply because one party has genuinely tried his or her best, but the other doesn’t feel love at all. I believe many marital problems can be solved if the couples will read and practice what the book says.

The author is a Christian. He mentioned God a few times in the book. But the book is not preachy and religious. I strongly believe that the readers need not be Christians or have any religion or belief to benefit from this book. The principles are universal to men and women all over the world, regardless of cultural and religious background.

Dr. Chapman has also created different versions of the book to suit different people. Some examples of the versions include The Five Love Languages for

• Men
• Children
• Teenagers
• Singles
• Apology

You need to have time to read through the book. It is useful that husband and wife, or courting couples, will read it together and discuss about the 5 love languages. You will be surprised how revealing it can be. I strongly believe that by going through this exercise, you open up communication channels for you both to understand each other better, the result is your relationship will be strengthened.

Parenting By Examples

Parenting By Examples

Children Imitate

One of the key characteristics of children is that they love imitate. Whatever they see and hear, there is some kind of urge within them to follow the example. Child psychologists believe that children learn to imitate at a very young age.

Imitation is the way that children learn about themselves, other people and their environment. When they see how adults and older children behave, they will quickly learn what the acceptable behaviors in the family and at schools are. Similarly, they learn how to take care of themselves by observing how others are taking care of themselves. Adults tend to make verbal instructions to help children learn the right actions at the right time. But do you realize that our actions speak much louder than words. This is especially so in the case of children. Simple tasks like not eating foods drop to the ground, washing hands before meals and changing clothes when they get dirty are more imitating actions rather than listening to instructions.

Parents spend the most time with young children

At this tender age, who are the people these children are contacting each day? Before they go to school, they probably spend most of their time inside the house with parents, relatives and nanny. Without you knowing it, your child is watching at you very closely and modeled the behaviors and beliefs after you. Sounds scary, right? The impact you have upon the child is much greater than you think. Your way of life creates permanent images that will shape this little life for many years to come.

Parenting skills are progressively learned

As parents, I have no doubt of your love for your children. You probably try your best to take good care of their physical, emotional and spiritual development needs. However, we aren’t perfect. Despite of our best effort to love them in utmost good faith, we may not have enough knowledge and experiences to fulfill our parental role wisely. This is especially true when we have our first child. We make mistakes (sometimes they can have terrible impact on the child’s life) as we pick up parenting skills along the way.

We learn to love our children responsibly and consistently.

1)   Good Relationships within Family Members

One of the common mistakes parents make is being unaware of how your relationships with each other, with your parents and other family members are also part of your child’s life. Sometimes it is wiser to shield your young children from emotional and psychological harm by not showing the strife and hurt happening in the adult world. These young souls are just not ready to make any sense out of the complicated and dysfunctional relationships. They can pick up your attitudes and emotions easily and that creates insecurity within them.  Your bitterness and resentment are strangely passed down to the young generations, sometimes without valid reasons. When you realize that you have made a mistake, it is always a good idea that you courageously admit your wrong doing and communicate your remorse and sorry honestly with all family members.

2)   Show the Children that You Take Good Care of Yourself

When we are parents, we tend to focus our attention on what’s the best for our children. Naturally we are slowly and consistently neglecting our own needs. We need to remember that your children and the family are depending on you physically and emotionally.  Parents can have the false guilt when they enjoy their lives as if they are committing an unforgivable sin to relax and pay attention on their needs.  Family psychologists think otherwise. When you show your children that you love and take good care of yourself, it is an excellent way to teach them self-esteem. You need to plan for some activities of your own interests like going for a singing session with old friends or having a romantic candle light dinner with your spouse. You are living with example to demonstrate that you are a human with own interests and needs. Your children have to understand and respect that without manipulating your guilt conscience.  This will also help them to model this important parenting skill from you when they are ready to be parents next time. In fact, it is also a test to see whether the children can do well without you with them for a while.

3)  Show the Children that you and Your Spouse are in Love

I have seen many cases of tragic marriage where the mother focuses her attention fully on the children and continually neglects her relationship with the husband. Some husbands become angry and moody. They punish the children often for no good reason. Some husbands give up on the marriage and start having affairs with other women outside. Remember, husband and wife is first and foremost a loving couple, then you learn to be good and responsible parents. Nurturing the marriage relationship is essential in bringing up a healthy family.  You communicate in a positive and healthy manner with your spouse, and show love and affection for one another. Your loving relationship teaches your child at the early years on what a healthy marriage should be like.

The Wooden Bowl Story

Let me share a short Chinese story to drive the point home.

Once upon a time, in a village lived a couple. They lived with their only young son and an elderly mother. The old mother’s hands were weak that she could not hold a bowl properly. She broke a few porcelain bowls. The daughter-in-law complaint and made the mother a wooden bowl and asked her to have her meals outside the house.

Few years passed, the old mother died. At the burial, the couple threw the wooden bowl away. The young son quickly picked it up and asked, “Dear mom and dad, why did you throw the wooden bowl away?” The mother said, “We do not need it anymore. Your grandma has passed away.” The young son replied, “Mom. Please do not waste the wooden bowl. I want to keep it for you to use when you are older. I just need to make another wooden bowl for dad. “

Attitude is passed down to your children without you even noticing it.

Do As I Say and As I Do

Very soon you’ll realize that your children are patterning many of their behaviors, attitudes and actions after your own. To be responsible and loving parents, we are to ensure what we say and what we do around the children will build a strong sense of security and self esteem.

Like Mother Teresa, she walks her talk

How not to play “hide and seek” with your spouse?

How not to play “hide and seek” with your spouse?

Communication Styles Can Destroy Marriage Happiness

Marriage relationship is meant to be one that brings joy and fulfillment when two persons in love are open and honest with each other. However, in real life you may find it otherwise. You may have friends (or you are also one of them) who are furious when the spouse does not seem to care about the deepest desires within. Alternatively, it may be that you are in great distress because your spouse is blaming you for not understanding his or her needs.

Why are these things happening in two adults who are in love with each other? Have we not learned how to relate and understand each other? One of the problems is that married couples are playing, with or without them actually knowing it, the “hide and seek” game. This game is played when a party does not speak directly what is in the heart and expect the other person to guess it correctly. My goodness! How hard can that be? Even couples married for decades may not be able to guess it 100% correctly, how much less you expect young married couples to manage that?

Why do couples play this “hide and seek” game?

There may be many reasons. I am here just to name a few:

1. Testing water – you are not sure how your spouse will react to your needs, so you decide to say it in a very casual manner to test the water level.
2. Afraid of being laugh at – you are afraid that your spouse will laugh at what you say that eventually leads to a bruised ego.
3. Wanting to be known more intimately – you long for your spouse to understand the deepest desires in your heart without having to say them out directly. You use the accuracy of your spouse’s guesses as the barometer of how much he or she loves you.
4. Culture – it may be in your culture that you do not make known your needs openly. People who do are being despised and being labeled as “unrefined”.

While these may be reasons, they do not justify you playing the game. It is simply because your marriage is spiral down the drain if you do. When we are into this “hide and seek” game, some serious problems occur in our marriage relationship:

1. Misunderstanding – we have wrong expectation on our partner. We expect he or she can read our minds. In actual fact that expectation is extremely unfair to our spouse. We intentionally not speaking our minds out clearly because we want our spouse to be sensitive and loving enough to know it. The result can be great disappointment.
2. Develop deep hurts for a prolonged period – By not speaking forth our minds clearly, it does not only lead to misunderstanding. If this issue is not dealt with properly, it will create bitterness within. You start forming a stereo-typed impression of your spouse: “I have married an insensitive and unloving creature” Once this impression is cast in stone, no matter how much your spouse changes later would not change your impression on him. You will naturally choose to live in the many disappointments of the yester-years instead of looking at your spouse’s positive changes today. It will certainly take a long time to get healed from these past memories.

Knowing the problems of playing “hide and seek” and some of its possible reasons, it is now that we want to explore ways of overcoming our participation in such a game. You can start with the following three important steps:

1. To set a good example to be an open and honest person to your spouse – this is the very first decision and action that you are to take. You may not change the ways that your spouse are relating to you immediately, but you can certainly make a conscious decision not playing the “hide and seek” game yourself. Once you begin the relationship with openness and sincerity, your spouse will learn the same art and reciprocate. Be patient not to expect immediate results. It normally takes much longer time for a person to change his or her behaviors, especially when these behaviors have been there for many years.
2. To create a safe environment that encourages open and direct conversations. Most of the time when your spouse plays the “hide and seek” game, there is a inherit issue of insecurity deep within. Your spouse is afraid of being rejected by you through words or actions. Once you create a safe environment for your spouse to share the feelings deep inside, he or she will response positively. You can expect a ever growing intimacy in your sharing and marriage lives together.
3. To learn the art of listening and observing that pick up clues from your spouse words and actions. It may be frustrating that you have to keep on guessing your partner’s true feeling and desires through his or her indirect comments and body languages. You may want to quickly develop the relationship into a mature and meaningful one where you both become intimate soul mates. However, growing a relationship takes time. A right way of communication is a necessary foundation.  Besides speaking your minds truthfully and openly, you will do well when you also learn the art of intensive listening and careful observation.

Intensive listening helps you to understand what your spouse’s true intention or motivation in saying those words. For example, when your husband says he is very tired and need a rest. His true intention may be to tell you to leave him alone, he needs some quietness to think through some issues and this is not the right time to talk.

Careful observation helps you to discern the actual meaning behind certain actions. For instance, when your wife goes shopping and spends lots of money on clothes and accessories. She may be telling you that you have been ignoring her for quite a while and she really needs your complements on her look or dressings.

A marriage characterized by openness and truthfulness is the way to intimacy and fruitful relationship. Do not let you and your spouse continue playing the “hide and seek” game that can only cause your relationship to deteriorate over time. Refuse to participate in this game by setting up a good example of being a truthful communicator, creating a safe environment that encourages openness and finally, learning the art of intensive listening and careful observation that will promote better understanding of each other. You can look forward to a more blessed and happier marriage life together.

5 Tips in building your child's self esteem

Raising Confident Children 

I made terrible mistakes when I raised my two children by imposing strict discipline and not affirming them enough. I could see that they would have many character flaws in the ways that I raised them. Praise God that by His mercies and grace, both of them turn out to be great son and daughter whom we are proud of.

I made these slides months back and found that there are some good principles in raising confident children. Of course, positive affirmation all the way without teaching and disciplining them is also a recipe for failure. We truly need divine wisdom to know how to balance the two.

I hope you enjoy the slide show.

Child self esteem

View more PowerPoint from Henry Chong